If You Don't do it, You Don't Really Believe it. Some people spend their whole time searching for what's right, but they can't seem to find any time to practice it. Your life story is not written with a pen, but with your actions. To do nothing is the way to be nothing.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
big bro's diellema
I’m 23 years old and my boyfriend, J, is the same age. We have been going out together for five years and there have been a lot of ups and downs. We argued a lot in the first, second and third year. This was due to lack of trust and also because both of us were not matured enough to think.
We would argue because of small little things. Both of us are very hot-tempered. Jealousy always got in the way. We even raised our hands on each other at times. Now that I think of it, it was really a silly act.
The relationship only got better when we moved into our 4th year. I think I changed a lot compared to the first three years. I started to take things more calmly. I prayed almost every night, asking God to give me strength to move on and also hoped that J would change his attitude towards me. And, I really thank God for listening to my prayers. Things really went well after that. I believe that if both are on fire, there’s nothing can be accomplished. One has to be calm and learn to take whatever nonsense the partner is giving. Well, due to the understanding, we argued lesser. We still argue, but less than before. *Sigh*.
Basically, he is still the same person with the same character and attitude. He will shout at me over small little things and will even scold me with all types of names. I guess I’m just used to it already. All I do is cry to myself. What can I say? Whenever I let him know how I feel, he will start to look down on me and will start to blame me for this and that. Saying that I asked for it and all. Whether its my fault or not, he will put all the blame on me.
In these five years we've been together, I have never been right. To him, I’m always wrong and if I want to be with him, I have to accept the fact. He used to say these things to me:
"That’s me, I’m like this. You want, you stay. Don’t want, get lost"
"I don’t give a s*** how you feel-lah; you asked for it, you get it"
"If you want to be with me, this is what you will get."
"You are the worst person I met in my whole life".
Do you know how I feel? All these are really hurting words. And, the reason why I’m still clinging on to this relationship is because I really love this guy very much. If you would ask me about his good points, I would say they are much less compared to his bad points. But, I really don’t know why I love him so much. I guess this is what you call love. If you want to be with the person, you have to accept how the person is.
He wasn’t like this last time until the recent years. Each time we argue, he never gives in. To him, he is always right and always the winner. He has just too much ego. Do you know what? Most of our weekends are spent ONLY at Carrefour or Subang Parade. He will takes me somewhere far to shop once in a blue moon. Even if we want to go down to KL, he will suggest that we take a bus or the LRT as he will never drive.
He will either say his car has no petrol or the place is too far, jammed and all. I have never in my whole life met someone as stingy as this. Honestly! I don’t understand why he doesn’t like to make use of his car. To me is, a car is to get us around. To take us somewhere we want to go and not to be left at home. Sometimes I really don’t understand why he is like this. Why is he so calculative about every single thing?
I’m totally the opposite of him. I don’t care how expensive something is. If I like it, I will buy it or no matter how expensive is the food, I will eat it. My thinking is, I only live once in this world. I have to live my life happily. This is also another reason why we always argue - because of his stinginess and him being calculative.
To him, I was never a good girlfriend and I will never be. Lately, he did something really bad that really hurt me. He has been keeping in touch with his ex-schoolmate, a girl named JC. They kept in touch through e-mails. And, those were not normal e-mails but e-mails with content words like "sweetheart", "sayang", "love you", "miss you", etc. Apparently both of them were flirting with each other.
Not only that, he even condemned me in those e-mails - saying how bad I am and that he wants so much to break up with me. If it wasn’t for his mistake, I don’t think I would have ever found out that he was communicating with this girl. What he did was, he accidentally pasted his reply to me. That’s how I got to know.
When I saw it, my heart really stopped beating and I was shocked to see that e-mail. I was stunned and I didn't know what to do. I questioned him about it and he kept on denying it. He kept on saying that it was a joke and all. So, in order to settle it, I told him to come by my house and explain why he would do something like this to hurt me. He was reluctant to do so. So, I went to his house instead. We argued for hours and finally, I forgave him as he promised me that he would stop keeping in touch with this girl.
I trusted him. I really did. But he betrayed my trust. A few days later, I found out that he was still communicating with this girl. Can you imagine my pain? After that incident, my relationship with him has been getting worst everyday. One more thing is in these past five years, both of us have been living in a cage. I won't let him go out with any of his friends unless he brings me along. But no matter what, he still goes out with his friends without my knowledge. He won't do it in broad daylight but at night when I'm in bed.
The worst part is that he keeps on thinking that I do things behind his back. That's is why he is doing things behind my back. But the problem here is I don't. I've done it before and he found out, and I promised him that I wouldn't do anything behind his back anymore. But until now, he still thinks that I'm doing things without his knowledge. I really don’t know what I should do. Should I just break up with him or go on?
My heart always asks me to stay and give him another chance to change but each time, everything he says always breaks my confidence. I really want to break up with him but each time I want to open my mouth and say it, I just can’t do it. I don’t know why.
What is wrong with me? How can I overcome this? I’m just too weak. I admit I’m the no.1 idiot in this world. If this had happened to any girl out there, they would have slapped him, dumped him and forgotten about him. Should I see a mental doctor? Sometimes I really wonder if dying is the best solution? I know it’s really stupid to do it because of one guy but I really don’t know what I should do. Please advise.
Unhappy me, Selangor