nostalgic

Walking back from class alone and being in class most of the time alone..kinda give me time to reflect…at lunch I saw a Malaysia Airlines flight flying at a low altitude..make me wonder if the flight is goin to Fumiocino airport. And when I walk the days at Europe pops into my mind, with the strong wind that am feeling now remind me of the cold Austian apls weather and some students with sunnies remind me of those Italian with their ray-ban. If you asked me if I wanna return there again, of course I would and totally with a different attitude.. more excited and more smile on my face, even if I need to carry back packs and walk for miles in the street of Europe. Living the life full of regret hunts me again… as I don appreciate my Europe stay as much as I would NOW.

With my i-pod playing Micheal Jackson’s “childhood” and “you r not alone” remind me of the days when I am young.. those were the kind of music that I used to listen to. Compared to kids or teens now listen to heavy metal, with all those gothic and black metal motif. How the world have change. I miss those days when am bout studying my primary school in Kelantan, they used to end the school on a Thursday and start on a Sunday. So every Thursday I would come back home and do my homework instantly, before that I would wash my school shoe.. I wanna finish my homework coz I wanna watch RAW is WAR. Is a wrestling show. When I watched it in my grandpa house, I kinda influence my LATE grandfather, the one grandfather that I met to it. So if my family would visit my grandparents house on the weekends, he would hold my hand and drag me watch wrestling with him, or if not, its badminton. Regardless I was playing with my other cousins.. its amazing too that old man can cook good soup. He knows my older brother love it.. so he never fail to go to the market and buy all the ingredient. As for my sister, well, as all the girls would melt men heart, so she would watch the Chinese series with him. Its sad that he is gone, when my family’s fortune is a bit better. Coz I know my parents would bring him to try the Chinese food that he is craving about or my mom would sent or accompany him and my grandma to China or other part of the world coz he love to walk and see new things, regardless his age. Maybe some part of me belive that his departure, and our sudden slight of good fortune, make me think that he is blessing all of us from up there. My only regret is I don have the chance to put the last joss stick for him.. being a Christian, my dad forbid me from it. So I was just left bowing, as I also represent my siblings as they have important exam on the final day of the funeral, thus, they fly off in the morning.

I believe that his departure is like a turning point for me. Yes me might watch tv together, but we are not as close like all my cousins with him, mainly is because of my poor Chinese. I would say it’s a turning point because, it’s the first time am showing emotion at a relative funeral.. I been involve with 2 before this.. but somehow I was moved by this 1. as the casket was putted into the oven to cremate, I was still the ice cold, emotionless… I did saw my mom cried badly during the last rites.. that a 1st too.. my dad hugged her to console her. My mom wanted me to be at the front of the coffin car.. I mean the front seat. To throw those praying paper.. being a wussy in all this thing that involve the “other” world.. I kinda hesitated, but looking at my mom like that, its hard for me to say no.. plus my dad don’t have any objection. In the van, am still afraid, with the praying played. Thank goodness my cousin was there beside me with me. At that point am still emotionless.. though I can c through the back panel mirrow, my mom was hugging the casket. The ritual before putting the casket into the oven still leave me emotionless.. but all my wall like crumble down, when the casket was about to be move in the hot oven, I saw my lil cousin who about half my age started crying.. calling my grandpa.. at that moment, like a slap that takes me back to reality.. and it says “ its YOUR grandfather funeral!” from that moment I start to show more emotion than before.. I feel that I am more expressive than before. And I kinda keep thinking more about my life. Mayb the word here help me grow, and care for other people too..